My mind is like a classroom full of five-year-olds with guns & liquor.    read this column

Men don’t call because they know women want to be called by men who don’t want to call them.   read this column

Being a good listener is like letting someone throw-up on you.    read this column

Scary Puppy:
Other people can make you a sandwich, but they can’t make you happy.

You’re not looking for love, you’re looking for human Prozac.
You don’t want a girlfriend, you want a puppy with tits.

Happiness comes from within (and, occasionally, through the use of drugs and liquor).
Romance is the opiate of the masses. - Marx

She’s not much fun, but she has very low standards. - Imaginary

Stop hanging out with people you don’t trust. - Kind

Ears:

Maybe that’s true, and maybe Jimmy Hoffa is buried in my ass.

Women aren’t as superficial as men, but that’s like saying Aretha Franklin isn’t as fat as Santa Claus - they’re both pretty damn fat.

Truly spiritual people pursue romantic partners that might bring them closer to the divine. I pursue romantic partners that might bring me closer to orgasm.

I’m a totally shallow prick who’d date the Devil if she was pretty and had a nice ass.

Valerie:
YOU’RE THE COMMON FACTOR IN ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

Stop dating people you don’t respect (just sleep with them, like the rest of us).

There is only one riddle anyone needs to solve -how do I improve my soul? - Crue

Cowboys:

Is it possible you were thinking with your nether regions?

Focus your anger where it belongs - on the Dallas Cowboys.

M.I.S.:

“Hi, this is my boyfriend Ray, he’s not my romantic ideal, but he’s the best guy I could reasonably expect to find.”

“Well, Debby’s not my dream girl, but I’m no prize either - so we’re gonna buy a house and have kids.”

Don’t bring kids into the equation. Not until the kid you’re dating grows up.

Cowboys/buttsex3:

Like most good people, I hate the Dallas Cowboys.

Even the Nazis could handle a little lesbian action (which makes them slightly more tolerant than the Dallas Cowboys).

Women want to feel special, not convenient. - D.W.

High caliber men aren’t intimidated by anything (except marriage and the IRS). - BeerBrat

Love-jobs:

Some women love giving blow-jobs, some women hate giving blow-jobs, and some
women love to get angry when anyone says that some women love giving blow-jobs.

I don’t expect anyone to swallow anything they don’t like (including my opinion).

I’d just like to say to all the fat girls out there, “I feel your pain.” - Formal

Lesson - indulging your appetite isn’t freedom - overcoming it is.

Desperado:

Indulging your appetite isn’t freedom - overcoming it is.

If you’re not careful, you’ll be that creepy old person living alone with your pets.